3 am Ramblings?

To be honest, it has been a while since I have kept myself awake that late. I cannot recall the last time I was awake at 3 am and it wasn’t because I was studying for an exam. One of the things I have noticed in myself recently is that, given the fact that the last one year has been hard, exceptionally hard for everybody, every time I get free time on my hands, I tend to distract myself. While at home, like I am right now, I do not find the need to do anything distracting in particular because there is always someone here that I can talk to in my free time. But while on campus, I am alone in my room for a major part of the day; actually, I am alone all the time. And my mind wanders. It wanders a lot. It goes places which, I wish it didn’t have to. What could have been, what might be, what will be, what has been… these questions creep in.

Had you gotten a chance to meet me, over a year ago, I would have been a completely different person. And after that encounter, if we meet again at this moment, with no other meetings in the middle, you would probably be convinced I am not the same person, maybe even think I have amnesia and have forgotten who I was. Those questions that I said creep in, I used to have them before too, but rarely and lightly. The intensity with which they hit me now is a force I do not wish the encounter on regular basis. So I have been distracting myself, consciously and subconsciously.

I do have moments and nights where I reflect and ponder and dwell on my thoughts. But for the rest of the time, I try not to go there.

So, to put it in a nutshell, I do not stay awake that late if I do not have any agenda or purpose. At least, not willingly. So, I do not have any ramblings from 3 am. My 3 am ramblings happen at 3 pm or 6 pm or 8 am. And they would just be those questions. Some days I get answers. Some days I don’t. Those 3 am ramblings happen when I am alone, very alone. I do not hate them. But I do not like them either. Those are fragile moments. Moments where I question a lot of things in lot many ways. And when they happen, I just let it, and then go about my day delving into my work.

Maybe the mechanisms I use to cope with things aren’t right. Not maybe; distraction isn’t the way to go about things. But I am trying my best, just like everybody else in this world. So, if you see me awake at 3 am, I am probably watching something, or studying, or maybe, just maybe letting my mind take over and ramble.

I actually have some profound and deep learning from one of these sessions. But I never wrote them down. Yes, I made that mistake. But I can assure you I shocked myself at the wisdom I imparted! Sigh, what are those…